


How to Get Away With Illegal Activites

by bakakusogaki



Category: Criminal Minds
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2016-01-12
Packaged: 2018-05-07 06:35:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5446760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakakusogaki/pseuds/bakakusogaki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of tips on how to get away with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> These tips work in theory, but I have no desire to test them out. I have never committed a crime, unless you count jaywalking.

When murdering someone do not choose someone you have any connection to. Do not pick your targets off of race, age, occupation, etc. If you start by killing a seven year old white boy, next time try something like a teenage Asian, and/or a ninety year old black woman. When disposing of the body try crossing state lines, the jurisdiction change will waste time and decrease the flow of information. Or perhaps take an unregistered boat out into international waters, it will be practically impossible to trace it back to you. Try disposing of the body in a crypt that contains more than one person already or dispose of it in a mass grave. Try not to place multiple bodies in one location, therefore if it is somehow connected to you the charge is much less than if they found, oh about 30 bodies. If you get a little blood on the floor or are looking for a fast and cheap way to kill someone hydrogen peroxide is your best friend. Not only does it dissolve the blood out of the carpet fibers, it also will dissolve the blood in their veins when injected and will kill them once it reaches their heart. Not only is it cheap but it is common, meaning no one will glance twice when they find it in your home.  
When someone has been annoying but not annoying enough to murder them, try slashing their tires. However you should resist the urge to slash all four, as long as the complete set is not slashed their insurance company will not pay for it. If you believe your victim will try to slash the fourth stay in the bushes or somewhere inconspicuous with a camera at the ready. Once they begin take a picture, send it in to the insurance company and not only will they have to pay to replace the tires, they will also be tried for insurance fraud.


	2. Part 2

If you decide that murder is your best option do not simply go running into the situation with your favorite outfit on. Stop and think it through. If you wear glasses switch to contact lenses, and if you don't wear glasses invest in a pair of reading glasses. Use your non-dominate hand when writing if you have to. Wear more layers than strictly needed to make yourself look bigger. By a ticket to a show of some sort and tell as many people as you can on social media and face to face about how excited you are to be going. Use a different perfume than you usually would, or if you are female wear a cologne and male wear a perfume. Wear shoes that are bigger or smaller than the size of shoe you wear. Wear gloves if you are going to touch anything. Consider a wig if you have a distinct hair color or cut. Donate all the clothing in black trash bags to a thrift shop in a different state on a busy day. They won't check the bags until after you're gone. Not only that but if you choose a small town it is unlikely they will have security cameras.


	3. Part 3

There are many ways to poison a person effectively. The whole point of using a slow-acting poison like thallium is that it's hard to detect. Thallium is apparently uncommon enough that doctors didn't even bother testing for it until days after Wang (a prisoner who was poisoned with thallium) entered the hospital. It's a time-delay kill strategy. Arsenic is one of the classics. Hugely popular up to Victorian times, it was both easy to acquire and effective. It seems they couldn’t get enough of it, being a common ingredient in any number of household products from wallpaper to paints. Arsenic poisoning occurred accidentally from all these and natural sources with notable cases such as the loopy King George III of Britain.  
The superficial effects of arsenic poisoning are jaundice and a skin rash, but this tends to be after a long build up. Acute poisoning from a high dose results in intense gastric distress – basically everything goes wrong with your gut causing vomiting, diarrhea and bleeding, along with pain. Death follows convulsions and coma with circulatory failure being the ultimate cause. This may happen within a few hours of ingestion. Hemlock is always a good option. All parts of the plant are poisonous. Eating a salad made with hemlock leaves would be enough to cause death. Hemlock causes a gradual weakening of the muscles and intense pain as the muscles deteriorate and die. Though sight might be lost, the mind remains clear until death occurs. Symptoms begin in thirty minutes, though it takes several hours to die. Quail often eat hemlock seeds. They are immune to the poison, but the flesh from just one of these birds will paralyze a man. Why not have your killer prepare his guest a meal of quail that has recently fed on hemlock seeds? It would appear to be an accident.  
There are many other ways to poison but these are a great way to start.


End file.
